This is one of three articles I am writing to provide an overview of how the 4 Domains in the Wheel of Competency apply to the 3 axes of life. Here, I will be addressing the axis of wealth and finances. This is intended to be appropriate to read in one sitting, under 15 minutes, so its mission is only to impress upon you the validity of my claim that for this axis, you must master the same four domains of competency as for the other two (Wealth & Finances and Health & Wellness). So let’s dig in.
Relationships are an evergreen source of curiosity, frustration, and delight. It is impossible to consider yourself a true Outlier if your relationships with friends, boy/girlfriends, spouse, and/or children is mediocre. Further, the connections we make with other humans become the most fulfilling and satisfying aspects of life.
On your death bed I guarantee you your last words will not be about your abs or your net worth. You will most likely be overcome with the desire to express the gratitude, the longing, and the love you feel for your family.
But this site is not about issuing platitudes, or directing you toward one particular course of action as though one size fits a diversity of humans. There are many places to go to find that sort of information.
As to methods there may be a million and then some, but principles are few. The man who grasps principles can successfully select his own methods. the man who tries methods, ignoring principles, is sure to have trouble.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
What I do talk about is the blueprint that will help you execute whichever path you choose. Relationships & Parenting are governed by the same core set of rules and principles as everything else. I believe that once you realize that the principles determining whether you succeed or fail in the relationship aspect of your life are the SAME principles that apply to how to get more fit, and how to have more financial freedom, you will be inspired and everything will make more sense.
Why inspired? Because you don’t have to memorize a particular trick or approach or secret. You will not have to act mimetically, trusting that the tweet from that Twitter guy will be just the trick to solving that situation that’s troubling you.
If you choose to spend time reading my articles, you will gain a deep understanding of how and why all the dimensions of life are tied together. In doing so, you will acquire a deep understanding that will allow you naturally to make your own decisions in a cohesive context that will allow for consistent execution.
The Wheel of Competency has 4 domains that determine whether you become an Outlier in life:
- Mental Models
- Sales
- Leadership
- Emotional Intelligence
I will now briefly explore how each of these domains applies to crucial life axis of Relationships & Parenting. Read on if you have a desire for understanding.
1. Mental Models
Mental Models can be broken down into categories:
- Decision making models
- Natural laws
- Analogies
- First principles
Here’s an example of a First Principle: All your experiences happen within you. You may think you have access to objective reality, but you don’t. The vast majority of arguments happen between two people who each think they experienced an objective reality while the other person is being “stubborn” or “obnoxious.”
It takes a great deal of effort and practice to train yourself to acknowledge that other people honestly experience a completely different reality than you do. There will be many articles on this topic alone as the derivative concepts and applications are numerous.
Analogies are a cognitive process of transferring information or meaning from one particular subject to a target. Analogies are useful forms of Mental Models as they allow us efficiently both to communicate and to understand concepts (consider how often you say and hear the word “like” every day).
Let’s take a very common source of relationship friction, the extrovert vs introvert dilemma, and look at a useful analogy: a battery. Whichever you consider yourself, understanding the behavior of the other can be a source of frustration and, worse, misunderstanding and arguments.
However, if you picture each of us with an energy battery the situation becomes more clear. Extroverts charge their battery by interacting with people. Introverts charge their battery by being alone. Both can enjoy social gatherings, but one leaves energized while the other leaves drained. A quiet weekend of isolation is rejuvenating to the introvert, while the extrovert would feel cut off from an energy source.
Creating and using useful analogies is a skill that allows you to operate more productively in the world.
Another example: every person is the hero in their own movie, as are you. But our egos make it difficult to acknowledge and appreciate the fact that we are all just a supporting character, or even a nameless extra, in everyone else’s movie.
Let’s move on to Natural Law as a final example. I am very particular that the laws of nature are not analogies. We exist within nature, and thus we are bound by nature’s laws entirely. I am perplexed at the resistance this sometimes gets, as if we are bound to gravity and resonance and conservation of energy in some areas of life but get to opt-out in other areas.
A known failure condition in aeronautics is a divergent Phugoid oscillation. This occurs when the initial perturbation of the steady flight (e.g. wind sheer) is met with a response that causes a self-reinforcing set of ever more extreme countermeasures until the plane crashes.
Divergent energy oscillations are real. They are part of nature, and they affect your relationships every bit as much as they affect airplanes. Knowledge of this allows you to understand how and why this happens, but more importantly, how to stop it. Pilots practice skills on how to dampen the oscillations. You should do the same.
2. Sales
Let’s piggy-back off the topic above of two people having different experiences during a common event. We already touched on how the domain of Mental Models allows you to acknowledge the First Principle that all experiences happen within your consciousness.
Now we can take a look at how the domain of Sales brings other necessary skills to bear.
When thinking of sales, average people imagine trying to get people to buy things. Outliers master the domain of Sales by understanding selling is about helping others obtain something they want for a fair exchange of value.
To accomplish this, you must posses competency with:
- Social skills
- Attitude
- Persuasion
Let’s look at Attitude. Having a sales attitude means embracing the skills of curiosity, sincerity, and active-listening.
Communication
3. Leadership
The most common reason someone in charge fails to be a leader is the siren’s song of focusing on outcomes. In the Vision dimension of the Leadership quadrant, we develop the understanding that when influencing others to achieve certain outcomes, it is critical not to focus on them. Focusing on outcomes is akin to a coach yelling at his players, “C’mon we need more points!”
Leaders understand that it is behaviors that produce those outcomes. Thus, a leader must identify and document the specific behaviors most critical to achieving them.
But further, In Mental Models above, we touched on First Principles, one of which states that actions are simply beliefs put into motion. The exceptional leader will then proceed to identify and document the beliefs others will need to hold in order to perform those behaviors.
The desired behaviors should be documented and discussed during performance/development sessions. The trouble is when there is a deficiency in behaviors. At that point the leader should turn attention to the individual’s beliefs. That is where the change must occur.
This is not limited to the corporate domain. I often speak of leadership as being a quality that should permeate an Outliers entire life. With a boy/girlfriend, spouse, child, neighbor…the same applies. Whenever another person’s behaviors are concerning, and you wish to address the situation, it is always best to focus on the beliefs that drove the behavior in question. The conversation will be more productive and will often lead to better understanding for both of you.
Another dimension of leadership is growth. Approaching relationships with a supportive attitude of those around you will elevate your relationships. Coaching and development is a mindset that commits to wanting to serve others and help those who wish to grow. Whether helping a neighbor, teaching your kids, or
There will be much more I write about leadership in my Substack articles, but I will briefly touch on one final area: candor and feedback. The more candid you can be with those you interact with, the healthier your relationships will be. It is a rare but learnable skill to be able to communicate candidly without crossing the line into obnoxiousness. When done well, the relationship flourishes.
4. Emotional Intelligence
Understanding your triggers and learning EQ skills is probably the best leading indicator of success in life.
Social skills like body language and situational awareness allow you to communicate effectively and avoid misunderstandings to a larger degree.
Active listening is a rare skill, but like a superpower if mastered. For most people, when having a conversation, they passively listen to the other person–patiently (or sometimes impatiently) waiting for their turn to say what they want to say. At best, attention is paid to the words being spoken by the other person so that time can be spent formulating a response.
That response doesn’t have to be an argument. But how many times have you been sharing a powerful experience with someone and they just could not wait for you to pause and take a breath so they could jump in and tell how they had a similar experience? It is not malicious. To the unskilled, it is often an attempt at building rapport. But it has the opposite affect.
I have had many conversations with people where all I did was actively listen and ask follow-up questions that show I was listening. It’s very pleasant. It is also fascinating how many times I’ve heard later from another person that the person I had that conversation with walked away with an enthusiastically positive opinion of ME. Think about that. That’s how rare it is–that a conversation where I literally did not speak about myself one time, but just actively listened and inquired so the other person knew they were being heard, created in them a favorable impression of me.
Summary
The Wheel of Competency is simple at its core, but expands with a myriad of facets. Examining each facet in isolation can be confusing and daunting. By organizing them into this framework, you can begin to understand that every axes of your life is governed by the same rules.