Only in the last couple of decades has the arena of emotional intelligence been acknowledged as a significant facet of our human experience. We are all familiar with IQ, or intelligence quotient. Long considered a marker for success, it has become recognized now as necessary, but insufficient for holistic success.

Emotional intelligence, abbreviated EQ, is equally important. An intemperate genius is no more bound for success than an emotionally blissful idiot.

The skills of EQ are often described as “soft skills.” Do not allow that to affect your perception of either their importance or their difficulty in mastering. Concepts like self awareness should be intimidating, for in truth, much like painting the Golden Gate Bridge, by time you’ve become “aware” of who you are, you will discover you have changed and the whole process will begin again. It is unending. This is not to imply it is futile. On the contrary, the quest for self awareness will exercise invaluable emotional muscles.

At its most fundamental level, EQ is about establishing a different relationship with your emotions than the majority of people have. Emotions are such a powerful part of our consciousness, the default relationship is one where emotions are in charge with reason, decision making, and behaviors becoming mere reflexive impulses.

Some of this cannot be avoided. Many studies document the role emotions (and even the anticipation of emotions!) play in our experiences. Equally documented is how we can mature our relationship with our emotions to the point where we can actually alter them. 

It may appear I am almost referring to emotions in the third person. To an extent, I am. This is why your sense of identity is such an important dimension. The difference between an identity that states, “I am angry” versus one that acknowledges, “I am experiencing anger” is so vast as to be impossible to exaggerate.

To a large extent, the most challenging aspect of improving EQ is in creating this separation such that emotions become more external to our sense of self. For it is only then that skills like self-regulation, mindfulness, and affinity can improve.

I assure you that the first time you succeed in choosing to alter the emotion you’re experiencing, you will never be the same again.

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